I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to navigate these waters without shame, without worry, without...guilt.
Yet here I lay, bunked in with the other Court members in the Garrison, questioning my actions, worrying about the impact they will have, wondering if what I'm doing is right.
Light help me, I'm having a crisis of conscience.
It used to be, lovers would come in and out of my life like summer storms: exciting, brief, leaving me refreshed in their wake. I just never formed attachments. I made it clear to each of them that I did not make commitments. I don't do marriage. Does that mean I don't love? Of course I do! I loved each and every one of them, while we were together. I never lied. Never tried to take anyone away from another. Never got jealous. I have always been completely honest, and having chosen my lovers carefully, have never had any of them become jealous of me.
Until last year, when he walked into the Murloc. The bane of my carefree, brief affairs. I never believed in love at first sight, but we started talking and the next thing I knew, it was dawn. And I could hardly wait to see him again. We met every chance we could, always talking. He shared a desperate secret with me, and I helped him solve a dangerous problem. In the pursuit of that solution, I performed a ritual in which I held his soul in my hands. When he awoke and looked into my eyes, I was undone. I was his. And here's the utterly laughable part: in all the time we'd spent together, he'd only ever kissed me. Once.
Then, he vanished. No word. No letters. I had no idea where he'd gone. I knew that he often traveled in pursuit of research, but never had he been gone so long. I waited. and waited. I put off any pursuit of my affection for months, hoping he'd return. I had all but given up when he finally did. He came into the Recluse, but he was different. He wore a veil and refused to take it off. When he finally told me all that had happened to him, I was stunned, shaken, but determined to be true to my heart (Light, did I really say that?). I promised him I'd stick by him, help him, do whatever it took to undo what had been done. Then, not two weeks later, he vanished again.
And now, I find myself responding to the men around me. I can't bear the lonliness. So, I flirt, I tease (only a little), I allow myself to indulge in lascivious daydreams... And then the guilt comes crashing in. Is it fair, I wonder, to lead these gentlemen on, when I know I can never give them my heart? Then I think, how is that different from the way things were before, when I didn't give anyone my heart? Then I wonder, what will he think, if he returns? Then I think, maybe it's time I just stop and settle down...
And this is why I knew, I knew! I should never form attachments. In the wake of his disappearance, there was a hole ripped in my spirit that nothing can fill. I wish I could know if he was dead, because hoping is so much worse.