I'm learning a lot about myself lately. I'm not sure I like it. Change is difficult, and I'm nothing if not a creature of habit, especially when it comes to men. But lately here, I've come to realize that the emptiness inside me hasn't been filled in a long time. Having someone in my bed just isn't enough. What a hypocrit I've become.
I have eschewed romantic entanglements for as long as I can remember. Romance, yeah, that's nice, but for me the friendly tumble with a willing friend was more fulfilling because I could walk away without guilt and go on with my life. If my lovers got too close and got hurt, I blamed them, gently, because I was always honest about my intentions. I have never lead any of them to believe there could be anything more.
I disdained the more ardent advances of men since striking out on my own when I was 16. I would not get involved with anyone who seemed intent on having me all for themselves. Not for me the bonds of matrimony. Relationships are messy, painful and time consuming. Monogamy was for other people. I wanted to be free.
But, chuck all that. Everything changed last night. I was told to follow my heart for a change, and I took that advice.
So, now I find myself juggling the attentions of three suitors (Holy Light, really?). By the rules I have come to understand from living with other, normal people, there can be only one, right?. I know which one I want, so how do I disentangle myself from the other two without destroying friendships and hurting feelings?
And what happens to me if my heart has lead me wrong?