I put on a bold face when I'm amongst the other Court members. I talk about vengeance. I talk about respect and forgiveness. I do my job and try to keep smiling. Then I go home.
In the shadows of my apartment, demons await. These are not the demons of the Burning Legion; they are the demons within my mind. They come upon me suddenly, taking me unawares. I alternate between quaking in fear and agony, and shaking with rage and defiance.
I know, now, some of what was done to me while I went missing two months ago. I was locked in darkness, drugged and alone for days before I was finally brought to her. Bound to a chair by iron shackles, I could not move away as she caressed me like a lover. I knew her, knew what she was, and I was afraid. Then came the pain. Tendrils of darkness creeping into my mind, probing, pushing, and ultimately battering their way through my defenses. It took days for me to finally break. She won, leaving behind no trace of her presense.
They put that thing in me. That must have been what was in that syringe. It made it's way into my head and set up house, there to await her orders. For her, I was used to kid-nap my friends and to try to murder Kelsus. I have not remembered those blackouts. I would almost rather remember them than the torment that lead up to my submission. Maybe.
I try to block it out. I find some comfort in the arms of a lover, but inevitably, the memories return. Even the sleeping draughts provided by Salixa have offered me little help. I can't bear the memory of my helplessness.
It makes me so blind with fury that I almost pity Spo when I find her. Almost.