Her normally crisp and blocky handwriting is a little more choppy lately, as if there is a nervous tic causing the pen to shift in her grasp.
It Was a pAin I haD fElt before. ThIs was the paiN of failure. NoT tO the FoRsakEn, not to my Allies, not to my family, but to myself. Allowing myself time between battles for my own PrivaTe bereavement is a luxury I sHould not havE Indulged in the otheR night. The posSibility that CalithOs coULd have been captured aS the MArksmaN has filleD me with such DrEad. I had to lie for him. There waS no other way to secure his safety.
I was not Prepared for the press Against the next target. Resting whIle I know they woRk upoN the Marksman is unbearable. I knOw Sigmah’s TecHnIques; I am traiNed in them as well. My only hope is that after this past weekend I can make it riGht. SomehoW, but I do not know how.
There was too much on my mInd, and I was unfocused. The alcohoL had not heLped, and I waS just Another ineffectual leader of High Command. I should have anticipated that they would haVE had time to set up a counter offensive, and that their keY weapOns woUld be the LIght of several paladiNs. The SurprisE of theIr couNter siege eNgines and their desire tO evacuate the city pushed us back enOugh for them to secure a way out of Hillsbrad. It would be eNcouraging if thEy are WIse enough to take it. My concerns for their famiLies and non-combatants are to bLame aS wEll. I know what wE would have done with THem.
There was a team sent In to See to me personallY. I was fOllowed and disabled rather qUickly And effectively, and only made it out with the help of a few DeathstalkeRs at thE end. They tried to rip Me In half. The worgeN and the bEar were mostly successful. They took my right Arm aNd my left eye, anD had desIgns upon the right leg as Well. It Is mostly heaLed now, but I Limp. THe new Arm and eye are not integrating as quickly as I would like.
Once we were back at a safe position that is where the pain started. We were tending to each other and the wounded. The Tigers were furious, the Living were angry as well. They had thought this would be an easy Victory, and thEy were wrong. I am To blame for tHis failurE. Nerrok was rIght, I did not want it. I did not want victoRy at all, knowing what it would mean. Too drunk to ShOUt orders, too sLow to react and I failed them all.
There iS weAkneSs in me that groWs daily. Small lossEs here and there, smaLL pieces of me are being ripped out and consumed and I cannot stem the tide. I exist for others, but not for mYself. I haven’t given myself that right in a lOng time. I haven’t pUrsued whAt makes me happy. HaRd to do whEn everyone else is suffering Around you. It is war, and I am not a creature of war.
Today involved too much berating. I had been summoned back to Undercity for the Full accOunting tO the counciL and They were nOt kind to say the least. My failuRE to them Seemed a long tIme in coming, and they uSed This again to leveraGe the use of plague and some of the other, less kind methods to remove the AllIance from our lands. They want another Southshore, and I might, by such a failure giVE It to them.
MayuNe found me afTer the cOuncil MEetinG, before I could head to the Hall of the Brave and fInish my report for the Horde Command. She was liVid. ShE was angry. She trIed rather hard to try and get me to care, to feel. She is NoT incOrrect in her assuMptions, and hAs a rather astute eye for my behaviours. They are refLectIons I ask myself daily. They are things I try to keep to myself, but I am rapidly realizing that I no longer have that luxury. It takes one good, solid loss to show you that your failings CausE more destruction thAN your victories. The Destruction is on both sides, and Will causE too many deaths because you could not kill with a clear conscience to ensure they Would not be turned Into puddLes of gLop.
I wAnted very much to kiLL May for her anger, but I will not. I HAVE punished my allies enough and punished myself Too much. This is not mE. I must remAin calm and devIse a plaN to correct tHEse errors in my judgement. My focus is to end this war, to show that my kind can be honourabLe, and that we are worthy aLlies. I need to finish this if I wAnt any chance to spend an eternity with Nax.
They are all upset with me, but mostly because I am and have been upset with myself. After this report, I will return to traininG And focus on my goal. ThIs time, however, my goal is Not for others. I am not here to further the Forsaken. I am not here for Nax’s happiness. I am not here to ensure our Clan’s survival.
I am here to win.
Victory or Death.