This is a bit embarrassin'.

I dunnae knoo if I should give the good news first or the bad ones. Erm... good news is that last night was amazin'. Finally a fella who knoos how ta treat a biddy. If ye knoo what I mean... Bad news is that me ship is wrecked. Again. And the two are related.

Where should I begin?

I 'spose I might as well start with the Jester. I had been in a right state all day, due to arguin' with both me crew an' me new pony. I sent the lads off to get hammered an' put the pony on the front deck with a giant pile of marshmallows. Dunnae ask me, but fer some reason that creature only fancies marshmallows. He won't eat hay nor other horsey things, no, only marshmallows. An' aye, I knoo it's a he. Giant sparkly pony dong. Indeed.

So anyway, I had finally made me way ta the Jester. It was borin'. There were only some elves aboot with sum identity issues ('em druid fellas who couldnae decide if they wanted ta be men or kittycats) and nae much else. I nicked some booze, but it ain't fun ta drink on me oon an' 'em elves seemed ta be pretty full o' themselves an' hathred fer us smaller folk, so I didnae bother with 'em. I was headin' ootside when I ran into a familiar sight. Helghain. That twit who called me a traitor nae that long ago! He was yellin' again an' I thooght it must've been his only means o' communication. Or 'praps the poor sod is half deaf. We argued fer a bit, as usual an' fer some reason... Well, I like a manny with sum fire in his trousers, ye ken. I offered him a drink. Or a few, cannae remember. I had a drink or a few meself, ye knoo hoo that goes.

We shared sum stories an' he tried ta start a fight with sum human light-wielder fella, but it turned oot to be kinda lame as the human was a "ninny", as Helghain would've said and didnae feel like takin' on a drunken dwarf. 'Praps a wise decision. They exchanged sum words and lame punches to shoulders an' such and sum lady with a succubus kept yellin' at Helghain to get off ta table (he just wanted ta be eye-level with the light-wielder) an' then there were insults flyin' all over the place an' I reckon everyone got their bit. It almost turned oot to be a good brawl but everyone got distracted by sum troll who popped in.

It was gettin' ta be late so I told Helghain that I had ta head over ta me ship an' coat me daggers with sum poison before that since I'd have ta walk all the way over there all by meself... Och, a damsel in distress, ye ken. Gentlemanny as he turned out ta be, he heaved me on his ram an' promised ta protect me from 'em ninny human lads who might have a go at me on the way. I didnae have ta heart ta tell him I could've handled it. He does have a mighty fine beard... Quite the looker he is, really. An' such sharp eyes... Erm... I'll get back ta that later.

We had a talk at the harbor. I told him about Salvatore an' hoo I was so disappointed in him fer nae showin' a proper interest. No wooin' or nothin'. Helghain concluded that Sal didnae see a good thing hittin' him in the face fer bein' a fancy ninny boy. I 'spose he had a point tho. He's quite fancy. An' pretty an' dresses proper an' uses long words. He's slicker than a chunk o' butter on a cat's backside. Helghain on the otherhand ain't slick. At all. He's just... Helghain. An' I'm just Maggie. An' after this conclusion, we shared a very passionate kiss... Mmmm... Been a long time since I felt a good beard tinglin' on me face.

O' course, I figured, the hell with 'em rules an' invited him over to be ship. O' course we had a polite moment o' chitchat, but ye knoo how it is when two willin' an' able young people get together in the privacy o' their own... erm... ship. Well, if ye dunnae knoo, then ye ought ta go live a little.

I 'spose I should've checked the ropes a bit better when we got on... an' the cargo... An' the damn pony! Just as we were... erm... well, really gettin' it on... well, more than gettin' it on, ye knoo, there was a crash. A damn big crash at that. Oh bloody hell, the friggin ship had come loose an' sailed off ta the sea, crashin' right into the damned lighthouse! An' there we were, butt-nekkid in a sinkin' ship. We managed ta make oor way oot ta the deck with the pony who, if I may add, looked very sinister. There was nothin' ta do fer the ship as it had a friggin giant gapin' hole at the front o' it an' it was sinkin' mighty quickly. Still butt-nekkid, we got on the pony which refused ta just take us back ta the harbor, but ta take us ta lighthouse instead, since it was closer an' apparently this damned beast is made o' lazy!

So, there we were, standin' butt-nekkid in the rather chilly October breeze, just outside the lighthouse. An' just when we thooght it couldnae get much worse, as we watched me ship sink... On sails the ship ta Northrend with a full deck o' people who had all gathered on one side o' the ship ta admire the lighthouse... An' us noo, with all oor private bits danglin' in the wild, free as the day we were born. Poor Helghain, it was a very chilly night... There was sum pointin' an' gigglin'... An' I swear the pony was grinnin' too!

Seein' as we had nothin' to lose - includin' our clothes, we had ta make ourselves warm by other means... Yanno, purely fer survival reasons, o' course.

Eventually the mornin' came. An' we were still butt-nekkid. An' stranded. With a sparklin' pony. Crivens!

I dunnae care ta go into detail as ta how we got off the lighthouse an' clothed again... But I'll say that it involved a curious young gnome mage, who prob'ly ain't all that curious anymore...