Every time I start to care for someone, it comes back to bite me. Whether they’re my friend, my family, or even someone I love, it never turns out good. They always somehow turn their back on me. I started to think things were different with the crew, so much so that I started to sacrifice for their safety. Reputation, status and wealth are nothing to me. I’d have given anything up in the blink of an eye to see them safe.
As it turns out, that only makes it even bitterer when you realize how little you’re worth to them. She was everything to me; my best friend, my sister, someone I could confide in and someone I thought I’d always be able to go to when things started to go bad. But as soon as the law came out that I was a cultist sympathizer, despite knowing the reasons behind my actions and knowing full well all I meant was to do the right thing, she tried to kill me. She didn’t even try to sway me away from what I was doing. Worse still, she did it by trying to invade my mind.
I really want to forgive her and go back to the way things were, but just thinking about what happened makes me feel sick. I’m sure she’s already back to throwing glitter and being cheery, but I’m not like that. If I could go back to my old selfish and merciless self, things would be so much better… but I can’t, I don’t have it in me anymore.
I keep going over everything that happened in my mind, and I can’t take it. I’ll talk to her today and try to see her side of things. Knowing she feels even half as bad as I do would be a big comfort to me, as… wrong as that sounds.
It’s funny. A month ago I was trying to convince Arianna that everything’d be fine and that she was being dumb by even considering jumping… now I’m sitting here having similar thoughts. My world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do.
I miss old times.
