Celestyna Brightmore
Dear Journal,
Much has happened in the last few days... So much infact, that I'm not even certain as to where to begin. Perhaps I'll start with what happened on the last Saturday.
I had spent much time pondering, quite nervously, as to how to speak of love in the coming Sunday Service. I was afraid that I couldn't speak of it in a natural manner, so I decided to ask as many people as possible the supposedly simple question of "What is love?". However, the answers I got were not simple at all. Many of those were very unexpected as well. I hadn't even thought of love as such a... complicated and complex thing that touches all of our lives, even when we don't realize it. It comes in so many shapes and forms that it's nearly unbelievable.
I thought I had a pretty good graps of what to speak about after my "tour" around the city was completed. I did however get more than I had asked for... much more. The words of a priestess, a fellow Templar, touched me deeply. She had loved and lost but... still, she seemed so full of love... So peaceful. She said that Light is love... and that love is Light, basically. It made me realize that I was pointlessly trying to block out love in the name of my devotion to the Light. I realized that I can love the Light... but also another being. One does not exclude the other.
As I then decided to not go through with the Oath after all, I realized that I would still feel... cornered. Many have shown an unusual interest in my personal life as of late and some have even inclined their interest in me in... more physical ways. I felt that I wasn't ready for that, so I began to seek a way out - one that would not involve the Oath.
Just so happens that then, Victor Blackwald walks into the Cathedral and asks me if I could see to his leg. As I was just talking with Father Blyde... or rather, been spoken to, by Father Blyde and his rather nosy wife had just arrived... Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sure she's a lovely woman but I really don't need any help from her or anyone else...
Anyway, I quickly took the chance to get away from the situation so I agreed to heal mr. Blackwald's leg. We walked further into the Cathedral, at a slow pace and I sat him to a bench so I could study his injuries further. He had taken a bullet to the leg - a month ago... The leg was in quite a state indeed. I'm not sure how he was able to bear such incredible pain for so long. I dare say he got to the Cathedral just in time...
As I was healing him, we got into talking about everything that had happened. It's strange how freely I could speak to him, even though we had only ever really met once before, when he agreed to be my avec for Captain Ashford's wedding quite a long time ago. I had thought of him as quite dashing back then, very much gentleman-like, something different from the priests and paladins I mostly encounter in my line of work. I never entertained those thoughts further, knowing he had a... bit of a reputation and thinking that I and him would have little in common anyway. So we stood together at the wedding and then went on our separate ways.
On Saturday however, after I had finished tending to his leg, he said that he owed me one. That he was in my debt. At that moment, I had a rather... awful idea, that I jokingly proposed to him. I said that he could pretend to be courting me, just for a while, to get everyone to back off. Much to my surprise, he was eager to agree, saying that it'd be no trouble at all and that he'd be happy to do it. And so... our plan came into motion. He would accompany me to the Sunday Service and we would make it seem as if we were in love and together...
I still feel horrible about tricking everyone in such way, even more so now that I encountered mr. Blackwald's elven lady friend, even though he had said that she wouldn't be coming to the Service. Well, she didn't come to the Service but somehow she and her friend found us afterwards during a rather... delicate moment.
I had realized that his kindness, his gentleman-like demeanor, his attentiveness and his courage had, in such brief time, won over a part of my heart. I sought his company and even the touch of his hand on mine... I felt ashamed to harbor feelings for him, when I knew he was already spoken for. Oh, how filthy I felt...
I left him to discuss with the elves, but they soon found me as well, after he had been called away. I had to tell them about the ploy... and I did confess to my foolishness, but... even though they were very intimidating, they seemed to hold no hostilities towards me in the end.
Later yesterday, I met with mr. Blackwald again. I asked him about the situation with him and Ravanie, the elven lady, and Diero, the other one. He told me that he had taken Diero in when she was on death's door and allowed her to stay until she would be well. He said they had not had a relationship, though something might've been "in the air". Ravanie, however, had been his companion, but he didn't wish to speak of her much... He was more interested to know how I felt and what I thought. He made it clear that he was only interested in me now... that his feelings for me were strong.
I told him that I didn't wish to ever be someone with a key to his house, someone to be conviniently stored away when not needed... someone who's a secret. I am a priestess of the Light and every Sunday I have to speak to a large group of people. I don't want a... lover of his to step forward and embarrass me there. I can't be one of many. I would be all... or nothing. I suspected I wouldn't be enough... that we couldn't possibly be together as we are from different worlds... Yet somehow, it's like we are one single being, when we are together. There is no need for words. It's like we read each other's minds...
I can forgive him for his past and start fresh... It's not my place to judge him. But... I'm concerned that the ghosts of his past would not simply... stop haunting him.
It's hard to tell at this point as to what will happen, if anything, but what started as a simple ploy... has turned into something much more meaningful.
Perhaps I will get hurt again... but if I do, I will keep it to myself as I don't wish to give Father Devons and Father Blyde the satisfaction of turning mr. Blackwald into a pile of holy ash (Father Devons' words, not mine).
All I know is... we shared a wonderful kiss...
